Carolyn, when I met her I was blown away. It was like a breath of fresh air. The light finally came on at the end of the tunnel. My wings were full grown, I could finally take flight, and every other cliche you can think of. It was almost perfect, and I say almost because there were a few issues from the start. Issues like ex boyfriend drama, previous psychiatric battles, daddy drama, and ex baby issues. Oh and did I mention she had a boyfriend at the that time. ( Just by reading that paragraph you can already tell that the what I learned portion of this chapter is extensive.) Nevertheless this girl was amazing. She didn't hide her past, but she didn't glorify it either. It was as if she accepted it and had moved on from all of those issues. I was instantly hooked by her down to earth persona. It was refreshing to meet a girl so cool. However since she had a boyfriend, and I wasn't about to step on his toes. I kept all notions of my feelings free from her radar. It wasn't hard to do because she was oblivious. She knew very little about me.
Well needless to say a short time after we met she broke up with her boyfriend, (go figure huh) and not long after that we were "talking". We were both very into each other and we might as well have dated, but we were both trying to give her a respectable time to "get over" her last relationship., or so I thought. Well after a tear filled conversation about how I didn't want to be serious and how she felt neglected I asked her out. (don't judge me to the end) We dated for a month or so, things were good in fact they were beautiful. Everything was looking like forever was in the distance. Then slowly but surely the issues, that I thought in the beginning were taken care of, started to creep out and come between us. Now in all fairness I had my own situations with work and school going on that kind of got in the way as well. You know the natural things like work, school, money, those kind of issues. Things that could cause problems with any relationship. That being said, things got really tense at times, they were really awesome as well, but it seemed the deeper we got into the relationship the more the bad outweighed the good. We tried to take the relationship in better directions multiple times. We would talk, we would decide on a direction or action, then we would try to go there. Eventually she wouldn't like the direction or I would cave and we would go right back to where we were. It just wasn't healthy physically or mentally for the both of us.
Believe it or not, I loved her, hard, even through all the drama. I loved her with all I had and I made sure everybody knew it. At times I couldn't even tell you why, but I did. I even had gone as far as to save money to set her grandmothers ring in a new setting. I was planning the proposal, had the jeweler picked out. It was forever for me. I thought I could deal with it all. You know all the issues, all the fighting, all the tears and late nights of worry and anger. I thought we could work it out together. However, our plans differed, our minds were totally on two separate plains. So after a lot of fighting, bickering, and confusion we broke up. I believe it was for the best. At first I didn't think it would happen. I never wished it to happen but it did. It was hard at first. It's supposed to be hard. Not gonna lie, I cried the first day. But; I took a step back to evaluate myself and realized that it was absolutely the best thing for me. I used to think she was the best thing for me. Funny how that works out.
What I learn from Carolyn
1. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, its not a dog but it may be a goose. Red flags are very important in any relationship. Red means stop. Think about what your going to do. Me, I didn't do that. I dived head first into a puddle and tried to roll around and hope I got wet. It was the dumbest thing I could have ever done. I should have never gotten into the relationship in the first place. I do not regret it, but if I could do it all over I wouldn't do it at all. it wasn't worth the stress. It looked like it was going to be perfect. It look like a great match, but looks can be deceiving.
2. If a girl has issues with their father, she will have issues with you. Point blank. Nuff said.
3. Protect your heart and your sanity. I give both of those things away too easily I always have. Its my personality. I can be so engrossed in a girl that nothing else matters. However that is a wrong way of thinking, because everything else matters.
4. Lead her no matter what. If she doesn't want to follow than that's on her. Never be so afraid to lose her that you lose yourself and modify who you are and what you believe. I did that with her. i was so afraid of losing her that I tried to do whatever I could to keep her. Again, that's wrong thinking. No relationship is important enough for you to lose value in yourself.
5. Take responsibility. You know blame is always thrown around after a breakup, but honestly this relationship was on me. It should have never happened. I knew better. I've been through enough on my own to see the red flags and heed them, but I didn't. I was too caught up in the emotional, physical, and personal benefits of the relationship that I didn't care. Its always nice to have somebody around, but it came at a high price. I should have made smarter decisions.
When it all boils down, yes, love is blind. The thing that most people forget is that you have 4 other senses to use when love has blinded you. Every one of them can help you see more clearly. I wish I would have payed more attention to my senses early on, because pain, stress, frustration, and loss, all suck simultaneously.
Hope this helps somebody out there.
Love ya world,
Vic
