Friday, April 27, 2012

Answer the Phone

"I don't pick up the phone unless i recognize the number."

WHAT??!

It drives me NUTS when people tell me this. I know, i know. Now that telemarketers can call cell phones you don't want to waste your time. Whoop-ti-freakin-doo-hoo-you. I LOVE UNKNOWN NUMBERS! In fact, let me take you through the progression of me answering a call from a number i don't recognize.

***

Munch. Suck. Munch.

Man, these nuts just taste delicious all up in my mouth. Planters. Possibly the most delectable harvested peanuts a man can ever digest. Danilo is pleased with the product he eats. It is somewhat a chore to practice the grinding of nut on teeth, but he pays no heed to it. He is too intent on the intrusiveness of that light, aching irritation at the base of his mandibles. How dare the pain try to interrupt his jaw in its attempt to furiously masticate. Just focus on of all that protein you're getting, Dan.

A truly fitting type of Planter's nuts
worthy of lodging itself in once's mouth.

"WHOA!!" Danilo somersaults out of his chair and cartwheels into a one armed handstand. His legs spread open to assist in the maintenance of his balance. "I never receive phone calls. Who could this be?!"

That last sentence came out in a British accent. He almost asks himself why, but quickly decides he doesn't care. Jerking his body aggressively, Danilo rolls out of the handstand and into downward dog. Simultaneously, the phone slips out of his pocket and onto the tip of his nose. He lets it down gently until it is safely on the floor. Placed at eye level, he nearly dies of a heart attack when he sees who is calling.

IS IT A SECRET ADMIRER??!

The excitement is thumping in his ears. So excited, he grabs the phone and lifts it high into the sky. When he notices that it is moving up and down, he looks down and comes to the realization that his legs are no longer static -- they have taken upon them a life of their own and are now leaping in adulation.

Ohh snaps, i have to answer it!

Immediate composure. Collecting himself, Danilo lowers his body onto its butt and criss-cross-applesauces  his legs. He is sitting in Indian stance.

"Namaste."

Pressing the answer button with unshakable commitment, Danilo raises the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" He whispers. A tear drop tickles his cheek. Nature illuminates in vocal harmony as a complete choir of Mocking Jays sing their spring time mating songs. The 55th president of the United States of America is born in French Lick, Indiana. The Chargers still suck. "Are you my--"

"Hello, this a reminder that you have a dental appointment tomorrow at 9 AM. Have a nice day."

"But wait!..."

Click.

"...I'll be there."

***

And something like that happens EVERY time i receive a phone call from an unknown number. Needless to say, i'm always giddy because i get to talk to somebody i may not know. Even if it is a telemarketer. Or maybe it's just somebody who really needed to get in contact with me but didn't have their phone. That's always freaking annoying.

World, answer the phone.

~Dan

Monday, April 23, 2012

Diary of an Unemployed Black Man

Dear World,

        In typical Vic fashion I did something crazy. The thing is, the action wasn't the crazy part. Let me explain. I finally did it. I quit my job! You know, the thing that has been killing me repeatedly every Thursday through Monday night since September 2010. I did it. The crazy part is, I should have done it a long time ago. Here is why.
       When you work everyday for a company and you do your best, the company should at least respect you enough to give you the tools to do your job well. Mind you, this is the same job where I repeatedly encountered vicious, wild, animals intent on taking my life. However, despite my repeated attempts at workplace equality, my fellow coworkers and I were "sent through the kitchen entrance and told to eat off the floor." Well you know what? I HAD A DREAM, in fact, more of a realization, that I could do better. I should do better. There is no reason to work the hours I did for as long as I did, and get treated the way I did. Now, I don't think I'm anything special, but I do believe that a servant is worthy of his hire and all that good stuff. So, I started looking for another job, gave my two weeks notice and quit.
        The question is now whether or not I found a job. No, I'm still unemployed, BUT, I've had interviews every week since I've been out of work, and they've gone well. I actually have a serving job now that I start on Thursday, and an interview for Macy's on Wednesday. I'm doing my thing. Some people say, Vic wouldn't it have been smart to get another job first before you quit? To you I say SHUTUP! You don't think I thought of that?? Been working on it, but I'm not worried. The right will come as long as you keep looking.
         I've been looking on Craigslist for jobs and I tell you some of these postings are straight candy toting, van with the creepy windows driving, Chester the molester looking CREEPERS! They want a "personal assistant", and when they email you back, you get the same exact script from 3 different names, with no variation in the email at all...mmmm..mmmmmm no suh, not me! I refuse to be on the next milk carton with a have you seen this man above my face, especially at my age. Adult napping? Now that's, just embarrassing. So I keep looking for smart jobs and safe interviews. If they call you back its usually ok to go to. Just be careful because these people can be crafty.
         So in the grand scheme of things, I've managed to rid myself of the weight that I've carried for years. The same weight that altered my mentality, change my social status, and limited my productivity. I'll admit I hate being broke and out of work, but I also hate being taken advantage of. So in retrospect, my decision to quit and look for better was a good one, and it will pay off. I'm just hoping it does soon.

For richer or Poorer,
  Love ya world




*DISCLAIMER quitting your job is not the answer to everyone's problems. Search yourself and your situation before considering. Remember the economy is rough and not everyone can be guaranteed to find employment elsewhere.

Friday, April 6, 2012

He's Back!!!

Hey World, before you start ranting I know its been a while. Some of you have been inseminated, had morning sickness, and now have a bouncing baby 3 year old since the last time I posted, I KNOW!!! Thing is, I've been very busy lately. There is a lot I have to catch you guys up on. So lets just dive right into it.
First, I know it may seem like I'm contradicting myself from my previous blog, Single and Loving Every Minute of It, but I assure you I am not! That being said, Ive found her. You know who I'm talking about, that girl. The one that makes me happy, who makes me a better person yadayada the whole cliche. No, it isn't

Jennifer Lawrence or Payson Keeler. Even though that would be AWESOME! She is the real thing and you have seen her on my blog before and you will see her again soon. So I've been spending time with her and the peeps just enjoying life.






Another reason for my absence, as you  find it hard to read my text while staring at the lovely ladies to your left, is school. If you didn't know I was in clinical rotations for two months for respiratory therapy. It was the craziest /awesomest experience Ive had in school. I saw a baby being born, like clawing its way from the birth canal, Ive felt life fade in my hands, and Ive felt the faded life revived
under my hands as well. Ive had the privilege of working with all kinds of professional people in the hospital setting, doctors, nurses, therapist, and much more. As you can see it took a lot of my time. Its cool I learned so much and even got to cross some things off my list.

In fact here is an update of my 13 before 13 list

#1. Learn a fret-less stringed instrument (viola, done)
            
 #6. Go to 3 professionals sports games (3 out of 5 of the professional sports) (done)

#10. Profess love to a random stranger through song (done)

#13. Save a life (done and done)

As you can see I've been pretty busy, but that is all about to change. I'll tell you about that another time.
...but...yeah, If there is anything I can leave you with its this. Live life, find love, be happy, don't let your insecurities and past mistakes dictate the decisions you make in the present. Explore yourself. Push yourself to new heights and don't settle for anything less then your best. Now that I've gotten all philosophical on you ill leave you with a picture of me n the infamous Tin Tin.





Much Love World, See ya soon,
           Vic