Answer the Phone

"I don't pick up the phone unless i recognize the number."

WHAT??!

It drives me NUTS when people tell me this. I know, i know. Now that telemarketers can call cell phones you don't want to waste your time. Whoop-ti-freakin-doo-hoo-you. I LOVE UNKNOWN NUMBERS! In fact, let me take you through the progression of me answering a call from a number i don't recognize.

***

Munch. Suck. Munch.

Man, these nuts just taste delicious all up in my mouth. Planters. Possibly the most delectable harvested peanuts a man can ever digest. Danilo is pleased with the product he eats. It is somewhat a chore to practice the grinding of nut on teeth, but he pays no heed to it. He is too intent on the intrusiveness of that light, aching irritation at the base of his mandibles. How dare the pain try to interrupt his jaw in its attempt to furiously masticate. Just focus on of all that protein you're getting, Dan.

A truly fitting type of Planter's nuts
worthy of lodging itself in once's mouth.

Phone rings w/ ringtone: '...whoa guys, umm, is it cool if i get in on this here? Hell yeah! Dude go for it! ALRIGHT LISTEN! OHH!...'

"WHOA!!" Danilo somersaults out of his chair and cartwheels into a one armed handstand. His legs spread open to assist in the maintenance of his balance. "I never receive phone calls. Who could this be?!"

That last sentence came out in a British accent. He almost asks himself why, but quickly decides he doesn't care. Jerking his body aggressively, Danilo rolls out of the handstand and into downward dog. Simultaneously, the phone slips out of his pocket and onto the tip of his nose. He lets it down gently until it is safely on the floor. Placed at eye level, he nearly dies of a heart attack when he sees who is calling.

IS IT A SECRET ADMIRER??!

The excitement is thumping in his ears. So excited, he grabs the phone and lifts it high into the sky. When he notices that it is moving up and down, he looks down and comes to the realization that his legs are no longer static -- they have taken upon them a life of their own and are now leaping in adulation.

Ohh snaps, i have to answer it!

Immediate composure. Collecting himself, Danilo lowers his body onto its butt and criss-cross-applesauces  his legs. He is sitting in Indian stance.

"Namaste."

Pressing the answer button with unshakable commitment, Danilo raises the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" He whispers. A tear drop tickles his cheek. Nature illuminates in vocal harmony as a complete choir of Mocking Jays sing their spring time mating songs. The 55th president of the United States of America is born in French Lick, Indiana. The Chargers still suck. "Are you my--"

"Hello, this a reminder that you have a dental appointment tomorrow at 9 AM. Have a nice day."

"But wait!..."

Click.

"...I'll be there."

***

And something like that happens EVERY time i receive a phone call from an unknown number. Needless to say, i'm always giddy because i get to talk to somebody i may not know. Even if it is a telemarketer. Or maybe it's just somebody who really needed to get in contact with me but didn't have their phone. That's always freaking annoying.

World, answer the phone.

~Dan